How to Get Your Husband To Help With Chores
“I wish I could declutter, but my husband doesn’t want to”. “It’s easier for me to do it all by myself than to tell my husband or partner what I need, how to do it, and then follow up with them”.
Do these words sound familiar?
Running a household alongside other humans is going to have some hurdles to jump. When you first stepped into motherhood, and partnership, you may have been warned about the old idea that husbands and partners aren’t “good” at doing the domestic labor of the home.
The time has come to overcome that old way of thinking, but to also learn exactly how to make change happen in your own home.
Read on to learn how you can master getting your husband to help with chores. Even if he never has, and even if it seems like a lost cause.
#1. Come from a place of curiosity, rather than accusation
Complacency & disconnection from helping around the house, when you are a partner to someone who has kids, does not appear out of thin air.
Life has a sense of humor and likes to kick us down when we are already struggling, but chances are if you take stock of all the little things your partner did before you were married, and before you had kids, you will see the warning signs.
Hindsight is 20/20, but with a little bit of work, you can make sure the complacency from them in the past does not influence their future participation.
Start by asking them if they notice how much you do around the house? If they do, why don’t they offer to help or just step up themselves?
Ask them if they have unspoken expectations about who does what in the home? Ask them if it seems fair, or reasonable that they are not participating in many of the tasks at home?
Then ask them what they view their contributions to the home? Do they seem balanced and fair to them?
Asking the right questions from a place of curiosity, rather than blame or accusation gives you both the opportunity to see things from each other’s perspective.
This is the most important step. You both need to see the other’s side before you can problem solve together.
And remember, despite how it has felt one-sided, or unfair, this is a TEAM problem to solve.
#2. Clear The Air & Share How You Feel
Is the imbalance workload having an effect on your ability to come together as a team?
Don’t worry. No, seriously, this is not the time to worry that nothing is ever going to change. The strategies you used in the past didn’t work, and now is your time to tell them how you felt – in the past tense, and what made you feel that way.
You get a lot more receptivity when you share how you felt, versus telling them what they did that was so wrong.
“I felt unsupported when I was doing all of these tasks that you didn’t notice/assumed I would handle”.
You can share how you feel, without placing blame or holding onto resentment and set new expectations and shared responsibility in the home.
Top Tip: Take it to form someone who used to have the “I will just do it all myself, it’s easier” mentality and then have resentment because I wasn’t working as a team and expressing my needs, and then holding myself, and my partner accountable.
If you don’t speak from the heart, AND strategize with your brain, this won’t really ever work. It would be amazing if all partners just understood each other’s needs, but they don’t always.
#3. Create Accountability & Boundaries
I know you like to imagine that to solve this problem, all you have to do is say it once and then your partner gets it right every single time. But have this expectation can create more problems than not.
Instead, if you accept that you will need to create boundaries, consequences and then hold them and yourself accountable until it becomes your new normal, you can finally get the help you want and need.
For example:
You might need to start with writing out a full plan and list of who is responsible for what tasks, when they will be done and if your partner doesn’t follow through what will happen.
For example, you and your partner might decide that you will no longer be responsible for their laundry. If they don’t do their laundry, it will be frustrating to you I am sure, but their consequence is that they have no clean clothes.
Another example could be that your spouse meal plans for the weekends when they are not at work. The consequence of not following through would be that you get to choose the meals and that might be more expensive last minute options like take out or restaurants that take away from the budget your partner has for their leisure time activities. (Like the NFL Sunday ticket for example).
One final example is that you both agree your partner will start doing morning drop offs for school or day care so that you can get some alone time. The consequence of them not doing that could be that you take your alone time when it could have been spent as a couple.
There are endless ways to make boundaries, consequences that lead everyone to a desire to follow through.
Brainstorm what those could be for you, ask your partner to do the same then figure out how to negotiate to make it work for both of you.
#4. Be Respectful
Now that you know how to create the boundaries and natural consequences, it is time to leave the idea that you won’t ever get help from your partner behind you and create the partnership you really want.
Remember: It’s really common for couples to NOT be on the same page of having shared responsibility, and you are not a nagging partner just because this has been true for you. All you can control is how you deal with it moving forward.
Adults really don’t like to be bossed around, or treated like children. And most of us were never taught how to effectively communicate our needs and wants, OR how to partner effectively in life. Especially not as modern families with so many moving parts, and logistics to navigate. (Far more than our older generation family members).
One thing that can help with this is declutteirng. Decluttering reduces the overall workload in the home and by default makes it easier for both of you to carry your weight.
Prior to decluttering my husband and I had a home that could not actually be managed by one adult, or even two. We would have needed 3 or 4 full time adults to keep our house clean becaues of all the clutter.
Now? My goal is to have an amount of stuff in our home that can be managed by just one of us, even with our 5 kids.
Want to hear more about how to get your husband on board with decluttering? A lot of the advice is very similar to this blog. Listen in below
#5. Check-In Regularly
This isn’t going to happen overnight. And if it does happen overnight for you please don’t rub it in to the rest of us!
This is going to take practice, lots of communication, and you will likely encounter some misunderstandings, miscommunications and even some frustration along the way.
Just make sure to come back together to help troubleshoot what isn’t working, and make it work for both of you.
I have an entire course on how to create super simple routines that work. It’s a really great starting point to get some daily routines & rhythms in place that you can create together and I do include how to make sure you stick with them.
You can go check it out Super Simple Routines That Work right here.
Part of figuring all of this out, is also figuring out who you want to be in your home.
Oh, want a full DIY self study course to help you with this step? It’s my best personal development for moms course. You can get it right here and it will help you get clarity on what you want out of motherhood, partnership, and just life in general as someone who has multiple priorities, but also multiple dreams and goals.
Click here to enroll in Motherhood Simplified now >>
How can Motherhood Simplified help you overcome not having the help you desire from your partner?
Are you still flailing a little or want just a bit more help to get you back on your feet before you try (again or for the first time) to get your partner to help out with chores more?
No problem! You did see the Motherhood Simplified course above, right? I worked super hard on this course when I had my 4th baby and was transitioning out of a career and back into stay at home mom life, and want to make sure you get the most out of simplifying not just your home but your life as well.
At Motherhood Simplified, we pride ourselves on simplifying everything so that we can live freely and in a way that means the most to us.
That means you don’t have to settle for not having help from your partner, but you also don’t have to swing all the way to, “he is a man child, I have to do it all myself and it will just always be this way”. That’s what I am here to help you out with.
I know how to simplify the physical stuff in your home, and also the internal stuff that comes with motherhood and being a wife, partner, daughter, career woman and more.
What next?
If you want to get support from other moms like this make sure to join our free Facebook Group Motherhood Simplified. We are tens of thousands of moms strong, and are the kindest, most supportive Facebook group in all the land.
We can’t wait to see you there.
And, did you see our blog post all about routines with kids over and under 3? It’s all about creating daily habits and routines in different seasons of your motherhood. We all know there very different and ever-changing!
